You have such a fixation on those words, don't you? It's all consuming.
Your distorted version of love is obsession. You want to be cared for. More specifically, you want someone to cater towards every emotional need you have, no matter how little, and fix every single one. You want to be hugged and told it's okay for hours.
This is impossible. You know that, at least. You try to use those words as a replacement. If they say it, it must be true. Maybe you can trick yourself into it. Maybe they do truly care for you. Even when they don't care for you when you're sick. Even when they know you're on the verge of killing yourself and ignore you to talk to others. Even when they see you scream out from the most horrific flashback you've had in years and pretend it never happened afterwards. They must love you, because they said so. You must believe it for your own sake.
You want to absorb yourself into someone else. Would anything within the realm of physicality even fix you anymore? What would make you happy? Why don't you know?
You have moments of clarity. You come to realize that your need for love has dominated your life. You think of how to fix it. You have no ideas. The clarity goes away. The next time your impossible desires are failed, you plan to kill yourself.
I love you. Do you know that? Please listen to me. No one else can save you anymore.
