[cyuu@cat]# _

[Posts] - November 25, 2023 - The state of cyuucat.moe

I want to write an actual post, and I will, but first here's an update on the site, why I made it, what's happening with it, and its current purpose.

I initially made the site because I wanted something totally under my control that I could modify however I pleased. I didn't want any interaction with mainstream social media, I didn't want to have to make my writing conform to certain standards or limits, and I wanted something that I could format exactly the way I wanted.

The styling of the site has long been complete. All I could really do for the site for the past year was actually write stuff for it. But then my silly little die-hard perfectionism got in the way, which resulted in only 8 posts in 2022 and 3 in 2023. For every single sentence I write, there is a voice screaming in my head telling me that it's shit, and garbage, and I should just throw away the whole post now and do something actually fun. Over the past two years, this self-critical voice has been the only way I can get any work done at all. University holds me to strict deadlines, so the self-critical voice polishes the work up until the due date, where the only logical choice I have is to simply submit what I have even if it's not perfect yet - I'd rather submit work that was internally deemed "not good enough" than nothing at all. When I'm left on my own, there is no due date, and there is no actual expectation of work to be done. I tell myself I'll post something when it's good enough, but it's never good enough and ends up deleted.

Over the past year, I have had maybe two dozen post ideas, and I got deep into writing several of them. I deleted every single one after a night of sleep because I came to the conclusion that they were worthless, no one would find any use in them, and they were all poorly written. Honestly, that last part was fair. They were poorly written. My phrasing sounded like corporate speak that was too scared to have any sort of life or opinion to it.

Anyway, I don't think I can shut up the screaming voice if I tried, so this site will now become a deliberate practice in ignoring it. If I proofread anything more than two times, I'll probably decide the only solution is to delete it all, so I won't proofread much anymore. (Please email me if you spot typos.) I'll post stuff, but it'll probably all be super weird and strange and not go together. I think that's okay.

In summary:
sowwwyyy, the voices in my head got too mean ;w;