This was originally posted on Fedi, but I wanted to put it here after seeing that this exact sequence of events happened to several other people I know.
You've had a bad person in your life before. It can be anyone, whether it's a parent, other family member, or ex - but let's be honest, it's usually a shitty ex. They treated you like garbage. Maybe they hit you, or maybe you'd get screamed at for no reason or sexually assaulted on the regular. Whatever the case, it's very obvious to you that you should be far away from this person. You make every effort to run away, and you finally succeed and achieve freedom. You feel like you've gotten a long-deserved break from your previous hell.
Soon after, a new person finds their way into your life. They're exactly your type. For a split second, you think fate is real. You feel yourself falling for this person hard and quick, and your past truly becomes your past. Your previously fractured sense of self and confidence slowly start healing, even if you retain nasty habits like constant apologizing and over explaining. But everything is okay now. You have someone who would never dare do these things to you.
A few months pass. The initial infatuation phase is fading. Cracks are showing. But that's normal, isn't it? No relationship can be perfect. This is just getting comfortable. It's okay that you argued last month. It's okay that you've argued three times this month, actually. And it's perfectly okay that it was about the same topic every time. You're not broken now. You've gotten better. You just had a problem with the relationship, and you brought it up hoping to resolve it. You knew this person should be able to handle normal conflict and resolution, and that they have your best interests at heart. You must just be handling the conversations poorly. Maybe it's not even a big deal, and you're an exaggerating piece of shit.
You still can't stop apologizing for everything. Wasn't that habit supposed to be gone by now? You notice that you don't trust yourself at all anymore. You knew that something was wrong by now, but it must have been your fault, so you told no one else. Or maybe you knew that it wasn't your fault, but you couldn't bear to tell other people. You knew that any reasonable person would tell you to break up. But it really, truly, wasn't that bad, was it? You didn't get hit now. You only were manipulated a little bit by them, and it must have been a mistake. You were only a little pressured into sex. You cried yourself to sleep every week because of something they said, but it wasn't that often. Anything is better than before! This person is safe. They wouldn't ever hurt you like before. So why are you in so much pain? Why does it feel the exact same? No, you're being dramatic. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's better. This person is better. They wouldn't hurt you.
What if you broke up? Please. Your brain is begging you to get the fuck away from them by now, but you feel a sense of dread when even considering it. Maybe you've started having horrific anxiety attacks. Maybe you've lost the ability to sleep. Maybe you got sick three times in a month, or you can't even eat anymore. Please break up. Please get the fuck out. But no. This person would never, ever hurt you, so you won't break up.
Anything is better than before.
